my blog is my diary for all to read.

for those of you (if there are any, at all) who read this blog: i am sorry for the months of silence. so much change has happened to us over the four (plus) months that every time i sat down to write, i couldn't decide what to write about. i'd like to tell you that wonderful things have been happening to us, that we are busy, that we found our dream jobs. i wish but...no. things are scary. there's a lot of uncertainty and confusion. on top of all the road blocks we're facing as a tiny family of three (really, more like, two point five), i've been dealing with some major family drama that's really taking it's toll on me. it consumes me and i hate it. 

i really don't want this to be a post all about my woe's. i really don't want to piss and moan. so i'll stop. 

i've been doing that to myself a lot lately. i'll stop myself as my mind wanders down the road of "i'm staying in bed all day with the pillow over my head." which i've been tempted to do so quite often lately. then i hear her, my sweet little pip. 

in the early mornings, when piper pops her eyes open and is loud and wide-awake immediately, cameron takes her into the living room for some quality hang-out time. i guess one of the things they do together is look out the window, which surprisingly, piper really enjoys. this is a very special time for them and a very special time for me...i get to sleep in...but really, it is when i sleep. piper still wakes up throughout the night and because i've been a stress-ball, i don't really sleep at night so these morning sleeps are what save me. 

about two hours into their quality hang-outs, cameron will bring piper back into bed with me to nurse. just recently, her cranky crying-out for mama has literally turned into "mumumumamamama". hearing her call for me, even if she hasn't really made that connection, absolutely melts me.

so as crappy as things seem these days, i wake up every day to something amazing.

i love this girl more than i ever thought i could ever love anyone. it's an entirely different love. 

she keeps me going. she keeps me wanting to be better. she keeps me sane. she keeps me crazy. she makes me laugh when i all i want to do is sit around and eat ice cream and listen to "belle and sebastian" and get real sad (which i wasted an embarrassing amount of my life doing). 

she reminds me what i'm here for. i'm here to be her mom and i owe it to her to do it right and do it well. because of this, i don't have the option to hide away under the covers all day. i can't run away from the world anymore. i need to be brave for her and, fortunately, these days being brave requires making silly noises, playing peek-a-boo and lots of cuddling.